Wednesday, November 12, 2008

DONE

This is probably going to be the most real, truthful, bearing all post I've ever done. I have to be honest, the past 2 weeks have been absolute hell. I thought I'd been to hell and back with the last few financial dry spells, but nope, this one has broken the camels back. A combination of things have happened these past few weeks that have added to this feeling of defeat, my feeling right now. I felt as if I was handling it pretty well, until Monday. I've been doing nothing but praying, pleading, claiming God's powerfulness and trying to hold it together so that my children see nothing. Today I find myself still holding onto these last few hours before our time is officially up financially, holding onto hope. I don't know what will happen, all I know is that it will be a true miracle for us, whether God chooses to do that or not, I don't know. So on top of all this I've been dealing with sick children since last Tuesday and now finding myself catching the same thing as of yesterday. We've had cell phone mishaps that resulted in paying for a replacement (talk about really bad timing), my car is now pouring out antifreeze every time I back out of the driveway, my camera has failed me (bad timing, once again, and right when the holidays are coming), and to top it off, I get a phone call last night that I didn't want to get. I knew it was coming at some point, but not right now, not with all of this happening. I get a phone call around 8pm last night that my Grandmother is "shutting down". She has a UTI (urinary tract infection) and won't drink, eat anything, nor is she responding to anyone. I broke last night, I'm done. I can take no more and God has to know that. This morning I'm woken up by a phone call just after 7am, my Grandmother passed last night just before midnight. What hurts the most is I have no idea if she was saved. All I remember as a child is her arguing with my dad (we were the only saved ones on that side of the family) and getting ticked off at him resulting in crying. All I can do is hope and pray that somewhere in her heart, a sliver of what was shared with her on many occasions over the years made it back to her heart in those last few moments. I pray she is with our Maker, but I don't know. So, this is where I am right now. I usually don't open up this much, don't even know why I'm writing this right now. But there you have it. I'm tired.

3 comments:

Life As I Know It said...

Nicole, my heart is breaking for you. I wish there was something I could do. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers. I believe God brings people into our lives that are there to intercede for us when we feel like we can't pray any more. I'm sorry for your loss, and sorry that you are going through this rough financial time. Really, let me know if there is anything I can do.

Craig, Candace & Bachelor said...

Dear Nicole,

Thank you for being willing to share your troubles. I just want you to know that I am sending you my thoughts and prayers during this tough time.

I've felt before like I can't possibly handle "another thing going wrong" in my life and know that it feels very lonely.

I won't tell you all about how you will make it and things are going to be better on the other side of this stress...because you already know it.

What I will tell you is that you are an amazing person with a very good heart and a divine purpose.

I know you've felt at times in your life like you were called to a purpose and I think that it is during these tough times that it is easy to forget it.

Your God has not forsaken you and more importantly hasn't forgotten you or your purpose.

And I just want you to know that I'm praying for you for comfort during this time of grief and sadness for your loss.

I'm sending you lots of e-hugs and I can't wait to hear someday how God used this painful time in your life for the good because I know that you love him and that you've been called according to his purpose.

Sincerely,
Candace

kitkat said...

Thank you to both of you for your prayers. God has taken care of us during this time and came through on the financial end just in time. So thank you.