Wednesday, November 12, 2008
This is probably going to be the most real, truthful, bearing all post I've ever done. I have to be honest, the past 2 weeks have been absolute hell. I thought I'd been to hell and back with the last few financial dry spells, but nope, this one has broken the camels back. A combination of things have happened these past few weeks that have added to this feeling of defeat, my feeling right now. I felt as if I was handling it pretty well, until Monday. I've been doing nothing but praying, pleading, claiming God's powerfulness and trying to hold it together so that my children see nothing. Today I find myself still holding onto these last few hours before our time is officially up financially, holding onto hope. I don't know what will happen, all I know is that it will be a true miracle for us, whether God chooses to do that or not, I don't know. So on top of all this I've been dealing with sick children since last Tuesday and now finding myself catching the same thing as of yesterday. We've had cell phone mishaps that resulted in paying for a replacement (talk about really bad timing), my car is now pouring out antifreeze every time I back out of the driveway, my camera has failed me (bad timing, once again, and right when the holidays are coming), and to top it off, I get a phone call last night that I didn't want to get. I knew it was coming at some point, but not right now, not with all of this happening. I get a phone call around 8pm last night that my Grandmother is "shutting down". She has a UTI (urinary tract infection) and won't drink, eat anything, nor is she responding to anyone. I broke last night, I'm done. I can take no more and God has to know that. This morning I'm woken up by a phone call just after 7am, my Grandmother passed last night just before midnight. What hurts the most is I have no idea if she was saved. All I remember as a child is her arguing with my dad (we were the only saved ones on that side of the family) and getting ticked off at him resulting in crying. All I can do is hope and pray that somewhere in her heart, a sliver of what was shared with her on many occasions over the years made it back to her heart in those last few moments. I pray she is with our Maker, but I don't know. So, this is where I am right now. I usually don't open up this much, don't even know why I'm writing this right now. But there you have it. I'm tired.